The more I study, crawling hundreds of books, comparing and applying concepts, the more I experience, the more I contemplate the more I have to realize that no knowledge is absolute. In the abstract that doesn’t seem too bothersome, but as it starts to penetrate your everyday relationship with the so called „reality“ it hits you like a brick wall.

I know nothing.

In the beginning I thought I haven’t studied hard enough yet to finally get it. „All the people around me seem so confident, so there needs to be something wrong with me for not being certain about what I have to say.“ – So I thought. But it didn’t change over the years. No matter what I studied, how much, how efficient, how eager, I felt no certainty. All my attempts to know something for certain failed. Instead I found thousand different ways to see that the contents of my mind are impermanent and   therefore never grasp the truth. Again, sounds funny in the abstracts, but then it permeates the fabric of your identity. BAM.

I know nothing.

What is my purpose? What is the meaning of life? Why should I do anything? Is reality real? No satisfying answers, no certainty, nothing. Just the gaping hole of not knowing.

Maybe, the truth is hidden somewhere! Yes, maybe some yogi in a cave far in the east or the secret society I heard about or perhaps this cryptic 2000 year old book I dug up on the dark web holds the truth. A buzzing noise. Again the wrong answer.

I know nothing.

Meditation retreats, psychedelic trips, astral projections, spiritual revelations, kundalini this-that ornament my portfolio yet still I sit here clueless like a three year old toddler.

Nothing changed, still uncertain. But what is that, Sneaking up on me from behind while my mind is occupied dabbling in the latest conspiracy theories? – A delicate quality slowly taking over the spotlight. Wait, conspiracy theories? I thought we ticked of that nonsense long ago! Come on?

There it is again. Space, openness, silence.

Maybe another meditation retreat will do the trick this time?

And another gap. This can’t be it. I need to know something! Something needs to happen.

Can I go back? No impossible. I’ve seen too much. I’m stuck.

Look at those “spiritual folks”. They are so positive about life. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Smile, we’re ascending. Heaven on earth is around the corner. The event is happening I can feel it. It’s beautiful. Gosh that is tiring.

Let me rest here in the nothingness. Blank, blank. It feels kinda good but where is this leading to? I can’t give it all up, or can I? Throwing the whole mental-shebang in bin? Hand on heart, taking the leap of faith into the groundless ocean of meaninglessness.

I know nothing

I know nothing

I know nothingness